Survival Guilt

The thing most people in the Motherland forget about being abroad is how hard it is. There is a (not unjustified) prevailing attitude that people living abroad, especially college kids, are living it up spring break Cancún style every minute of every day.

via brandvomit.com

Actually is it's more like spring break Las Vegas... but the similarities are definitely there.

The real truth is that some days all I can do is survive.

I have always known that in the grand scheme of my life 11 months abroad is very little time. And especially now that I'm down to the final four, the importance of taking advantage of every moment seems that much more pronounced. "CARPE DIEM!" I bellow as I catapult out of bed each day! "Carpe diem!" echoes my peanut gallery of friends and fam. "Life is short! Live each day to the fullest!"
I'd love to.

Some days though, no matter how many birds chirp or how much sun shines, the best I can do is survive. Certain days that motto of "carpe diem" sounds like mocking and weighs like an anvil. On those days I know I have a terrible case of survival guilt; a particular breed of guilt found commonly among kids abroad on their parents' dime, and survivors of traumatic events. Basically it's the knowledge that you're extremely lucky to be alive and be wherever you are, doing what ever you're doing and should therefore make the most of it, coupled with the inability to actually do anything but the bare minimum that is required of you that day... and sometimes even the inability to do that. Where this inability stems from depends on the person, the day, and the situation. Sometimes it's identifiable, combatable, and temporary; sometimes it's elusive, shape shifting, and resilient. Most simply put: it's the guilt you feel (in an incredible place or life) when the only thing you're able to do is survive. Today seemed like a fitting day to bring this up because 1) I woke up with a terrible case. 2) If this is something that occurs among my other fellow humans, I imagine it is more prevalent on a day like September 11 when we remember a tragedy.

I stole this from Pinterest. photographer: unknown.

Turns out September 11 is an internationally shitty day. In Chile, September 11 marks the anniversary of the military coup that usurped Salvador Allende. In the past it has been a day of anger and rioting. It's bad enough that I received multiple warnings against leaving my apartment today any time in the afternoon. I am hoping to dedicate an entire post to what I've learned about the dictatorship later on, but for now I will just say that for many Chileans (pretty much anybody over 30) the dictatorship happened yesterday. In historical terms, the violence, the fear, the restrictions, the hiding... all of the realities of living under Pinochet ended approximately 20 minutes ago. In other words, the wound is still very very very fresh.
Every Chilean over the age of 30 is a survivor of that difficult portion in the country's history and therefore a reminder that things could (and did) change at a moments notice so it's important to take advantage of the good things we have now.

I'd offer that our September 11th tragedy serves as a very similar reminder.

And while it's good to be reminded to "live each day like it's your last," it's not always possible. Even though I'm in the midst of a grand adventure, one in which I should be living each day to the absolute fullest, sometimes the best I can do is survive.

So in case you know what I'm talking about, or you find yourself with the same guilty feeling in the future, remember that I know how it is. And if there is anything I can do to aid you in your survival LET ME KNOW.
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To close: Here is a picture of me smiling with an alpaca...ya know, just to keep the ending lite.
:)
Fin.