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The real truth is that some days all I can do is survive.
I have always known that in the grand scheme of my life 11 months abroad is very little time. And especially now that I'm down to the final four, the importance of taking advantage of every moment seems that much more pronounced. "CARPE DIEM!" I bellow as I catapult out of bed each day! "Carpe diem!" echoes my peanut gallery of friends and fam. "Life is short! Live each day to the fullest!"
I'd love to.
Some days though, no matter how many birds chirp or how much sun shines, the best I can do is survive. Certain days that motto of "carpe diem" sounds like mocking and weighs like an anvil. On those days I know I have a terrible case of survival guilt; a particular breed of guilt found commonly among kids abroad on their parents' dime, and survivors of traumatic events. Basically it's the knowledge that you're extremely lucky to be alive and be wherever you are, doing what ever you're doing and should therefore make the most of it, coupled with the inability to actually do anything but the bare minimum that is required of you that day... and sometimes even the inability to do that. Where this inability stems from depends on the person, the day, and the situation. Sometimes it's identifiable, combatable, and temporary; sometimes it's elusive, shape shifting, and resilient. Most simply put: it's the guilt you feel (in an incredible place or life) when the only thing you're able to do is survive. Today seemed like a fitting day to bring this up because 1) I woke up with a terrible case. 2) If this is something that occurs among my other fellow humans, I imagine it is more prevalent on a day like September 11 when we remember a tragedy.
I stole this from Pinterest. photographer: unknown. |
Every Chilean over the age of 30 is a survivor of that difficult portion in the country's history and therefore a reminder that things could (and did) change at a moments notice so it's important to take advantage of the good things we have now.
I'd offer that our September 11th tragedy serves as a very similar reminder.
And while it's good to be reminded to "live each day like it's your last," it's not always possible. Even though I'm in the midst of a grand adventure, one in which I should be living each day to the absolute fullest, sometimes the best I can do is survive.
So in case you know what I'm talking about, or you find yourself with the same guilty feeling in the future, remember that I know how it is. And if there is anything I can do to aid you in your survival LET ME KNOW.
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To close: Here is a picture of me smiling with an alpaca...ya know, just to keep the ending lite. :) Fin. |
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